I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
