His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
