Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
