you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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