Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
