Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
