So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
