After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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