Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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