So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
