new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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