I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
