Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
