dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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