I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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