so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
