my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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