he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
