I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
