so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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