I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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