Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
