I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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