Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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