i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
