dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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