you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
