I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
the day after is always just damage control
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
