still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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