My hand turned me down
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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