I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
