Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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