if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize