I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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