If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
