I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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