; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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