He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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