My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
