I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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