Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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