Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I need to calm my uterus...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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