Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Sober January is a disaster.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
