I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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