I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
