I hope mine doesn't look like that
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
