My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
