The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Someone signed my nipple.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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