Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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