When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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