Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize