He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Actions speak louder than pants.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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