I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Randomize
