she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
