Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
