i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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