Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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