How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
